As my beautiful friend sat across my dining room table from me, the words eventually tumbled out: “I have never been ‘enough’ for my parents. Not good enough. Not hard-working enough. Not successful enough. Not wise enough. I was good. The things I did were good—just not good enough.” What I saw was quite the opposite. She’s constantly pouring herself out for her family; she’s loving and loyal; she’s committed to Christ; she lives the gospel; she’s full of wisdom beyond her years and thankfully spills that wisdom into our many edifying conversations. She looks into the mirror and sees one thing while I look across my dining room table and see another.
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How can this be? The short answer is that we were all created by a relational God for loving relationship with Him and with one another. With the Fall came distortions of epic proportions to what those human relationships became. When sin entered, striving to be enough in and of ourselves entered. (Of course, we weren’t made to be “enough,” and we will never be enough apart from the Lord and the Body of Christ.) Even good Christian parents without realizing it choose striving over love. In fact, we are inclined to strive without love if we are not tethered to the heart of the Father by His Spirit. (I’m raising my own hand here!)
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If I make heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast but have not LOVE, I am just a clanging cymbal.
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If I decorate my house with cute little Pinteresty Valentine stuff, but have not LOVE, I would be a noisy gong.
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If I homeschool, spending all day everyday with my children teaching them constantly, but have not LOVE, I am nothing.
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If I feed my children five times a day but have not LOVE, I would have gained nothing.
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If I change diapers, read them excellent books, brush their teeth twice a day, potty train, clean up their messes, teach them to clean their messes, play outside, take them to church, to the nursing home, to the library, to soccer/gymnastics/you-name-it practices but have not LOVE . . .
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“If I had such faith that I could move mountains but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained NOTHING” (2 Corinthians 13:2b-3).
I can do all the things, train my children to do all the things, and believe all the things, but without love it all becomes a waste—toxic to the hearts and souls of my little people. Of course, my friend’s Christian parents loved her deeply, but what she experienced was the pushing and striving. They less often verbally expressed what her little girl heart needed to hear most. They inadvertently passed down to her the message their parents passed down to them: “Try harder; work harder; love=your worldly successes; it’s never enough.” We pour out what’s been poured into us; our children pour out what we pour into them.
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If generational soul toxins have been poured into us, we have to acknowledge them for what they are so that our good Father can heal us of them. He is the Grace-giver, the Rescuer, the generational-curse Breaker; He is AGAPE (God-sized LOVE). He longs to give us that same love for which He created us.
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As Martin Luther taught, when God’s agape forgives, heals, and fills me, my heart curves out in love rather than curving in on itself. Only then can I love my children the way He created me to love. A thousand times a day I make choices and have reactions that affect other people (usually four little people), and those reactions show which way my heart is curved. All that I can do is bend to Him, and He bends my heart. Over and over He will bend my heart. In the process (and it really is a PROCESS), the curse is broken, and God’s love redeems and restores relationships.
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Praise God that there is hope! He will not leave us alone but will change us to love more like Him.
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“Let love be your highest goal!” 1 Corinthians 14:1a NLT
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Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love,
Morgan
